Three Myths About Human Attraction You Should Forget Before Valentine’s Day
Although the twinkling lights have been packed away and the New Year’s Eve hangover has already been forgotten, the magic of the festive season still seems to impact the way we think of human attraction.
It could be due to a slight overdose of winter romantic comedies or standing under the mistletoe for too long, but we might be tempted to imagine that the next party we attend is going to turn into a perfect scene right out of a rom-com: you reach for a drink and accidentally touch the hand of a charming stranger. Your eyes meet, and the magic happens. Right on time for Valentine’s Day!
But, is the way people attract each other so mysterious in the first place? As a human being dealing with the challenges of dating, and a researcher in psychology I was curious what science has to say about that.
Dr. Matthew Montoya from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill defines attraction as an attitude that includes the affective and behavioral responses toward the target person. Something along the lines of: ‘I like you’ (affect), and ‘I want to meet you again!’ (behavior).
While diving into the subject, I realized that there are many misconceptions about human attraction that are worth being demystified. Here are my top three! Just before the scent of overpriced flowers and heart-shaped chocolates gets us!
Myth 1: Opposites attract
According to Prof. Viren Swami from Anglia Ruskin University, science shows that we do not really like the opposites, quite the contrary. In his book “Attraction Explained: The Science of how We Form Relationships”, Prof. Swami presents numerous studies confirming that we have strong preferences for people similar in age, occupation, religion, values, or even musical taste when choosing our future partner(s). Although our preferences for the similarity criteria might vary across individuals. There might be; however, one exception to this rule. According to Prof. Arthur Aaron, an internationally recognized scientist studying intimate relationships, individuals want to self-expand through interpersonal relationships. When forming a new relationship, we integrate mindsets, opinions, and activities of our new partner(s) that we would never have considered before. We are attracted by this new reality that creates aliveness and excitement such as going for a concert of an unknown music band, trying a new sport that puts us out of our comfort zone, or cooking together somebody else’s favorite dish. That is why, dissimilarity can also be attractive and help us create more growth and self-expansion.
It is certain that being attracted by a person that expands our horizons, even by something so seemingly insignificant as a new recipe for a creamy, truffle cheese gnocchi; brings us self-growth. Still, if we dig a little deeper it might suddenly appear that we have more in common with our opposite looking partner than we expected in the first place.
Myth 2: It’s all about looks
Although we are told from a young age not to judge a book by its cover, we all do it. Physical appearance does matter, and although it may come as a surprise both men and women are equally superficial. But there is good news for those who do not consider themselves as physically attractive as they would like. You can influence how attractive others perceive you by showing your best self through personality!
Previously mentioned researchers from Anglia Ruskin University and University of London showed that people rated images with descriptions of positive traits, such as honest, versus rude, as more attractive when compared to images without descriptions. According to Prof. Swami, studies on other traits seem to show converging conclusions: having characteristics such as warmth, kindness, or a good sense of humor can help you appear more physically attractive.
Thus, next time you want to look better in your date’s eyes, put some kindness and humor on!
Myth 3: Body language matters the most
Intense eye contact, lip pouting, or a soft touch on the shoulder might be signs of attraction. However, researchers recently discovered something else that predicts mutual attraction even more: physiological synchrony. Prof. Mariska Kret, and Dr. Eliska Prochazkova, together with their team from Leiden University, showed that synchronized heart rates and skin conductivity of two individuals that never met before were better predictors of attraction than their body language. Suddenly, the song of Milky Chance “Synchronize” takes a completely different meaning.
Is it all about the physiological match? Could we enhance synchrony to enhance attraction? We still have many questions to answer. For now, instead of bringing an entire lab full of equipment to your next date, keep in mind that many unconscious processes are happening during relationship formation. So, if you don´t feel any chemistry with someone; it’s also ok.
When it comes to attraction, we might often get lost in the midst of pop culture messages, best friends’ anecdotes, or bestselling pick-up artists’ tips; especially during this time of the year, when hearts and cupids are plastered on every street corner. But at the end of the day, it is up to us to make the magic happen; whether it is about a romantic or friendship relationship building. Anytime we make a choice to focus on what makes us similar, what helps us mutually grow; when we show up as our authentic, best selves, or we observe how our physiologies dance together, we contribute to the mystery of attraction. V-Day fever or not, it seems like forming any type of relationship, is magical after all. But the magic hides behind the people involved in the process and the choices they make.
*This story is supported by Scientific Excellence Grants for Early Career Researchers (SEJIGENT from Generalitat Valenciana CISEJI/2022/46 and Beatriz Galindo from Spanish Ministry of Science BGP18–00035).
